random thoughts....

This has nothing to do with Paisley, I'm in a sappy mood & just want to write. Since Trek's passing I've been reading Chelsea's blog, praying for their family, and trying to process it all. Trek wasn't a family member, actually I've only met him once, more than many got to and for that I'm forever greatful, but this little boy has made such an impact on my life. I know times go by where I look back and think man was that really worth it, I'm not promised tomorrow. Before Trek came a long I don't know that I gave much thought to the fact that you aren't promised tomorrow...I got irritated when my house was a mess ( I still do but I try very hard to let them destroy it and just pick it up at nap time and nights), sleepless nights were hard but now I realize how lucky I am to have these moments. I didn't want another baby, not because Paisley was a hard baby but because I was happy with just one. Now we look at life differently, Paisley needs a friend someone to share these adventures with, someone that if somethign ever happened to us she could grieve with. I've never lost anyone close to me, I don't know how I will react. Chelsea & Jarrett handle all of this so gracefully, she thanks the many posts she gets...I see myself angry & just wanting to be alone....man I hope I don't really act that way (this thought is what triggered this blog...there is no sequence to its just random thoughts.) So I want another baby sooner than later, but I also want to be able to spend more time with our kids, I want to work less hours because soon they will be in school and I won't have this time. I was supposed to work 3 days a week and well....you see how that went. I need to talk to my uncle about this but b/c of how it went down last time I can't bring myself to do it...soon I will.Right now I want to get everything right, get all of the air cleared with everyone so that we can live peacfully w/ no heavy hearts of things that just don't matter. My husband & my daughter are the most precious gifts God has given me, God granted me with the most patient, easy going man he could have ever created & the most up beat & happy little girl in the world, I am so very thankful for the characteristics of both of them. I am the total opposite of Joseph, I'm a worrier...I stress over money (i have an excel spreadsheet that i open up at least once a week), I stress over things I can't control, I stress over whats for dinner and lately I've really slacked b/c honestly I enjoy playing the sand box more than i do slaving over a stove & its worth the $20 we spend at the resturarnt down the street. I hope that I can continue to do what matters most, not that starving is an option lol, but I don't want to live life so serious I want to chill out and just enjoy what i have at that moment & I owe Chelsea for helping me come to this conclusion b/c without her words on her blog I don't think I would have been shaken. Little did we all know that a little boy that never took a step or said a word could make such impact on someones life, man I'm so very thankful for him! My heart breaks for thier loss but I know they are so proud of the message that Trek sent out to the world! RIP little man & thank you so much for the message!